well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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