Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
