im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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