RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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