I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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