My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
