My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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