I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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