Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
