Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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