mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I woke up under a house in Key West
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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