I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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