He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
