If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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