i may or may not be watching the land before time
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
