she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
