I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
