If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
