I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
