Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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