Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
