He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
