I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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