Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
