My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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