my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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