I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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