I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
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