Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
