why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I touched a dick in church today
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
