I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
