Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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