i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
