how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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