saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
