I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
