You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
