I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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