I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
