Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
