Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
