Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
we're making bets on your personal life
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
