the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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