She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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