I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I need a beard to bite.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
