Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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