textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
