mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
