My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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