oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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