The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
