I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
