youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
