so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
